Go Blue Club Unveils Quantum-Entangled Mascot, Claims It Simultaneously Defeats Alabama and Ohio State in Alternate Dimensions; Experts Baffled, Hot Dog Sales Skyrocket
ANN ARBOR, MI — In a move that has left physicists stunned, football fans confused, and vendors elated, the University of Michigan’s Go Blue Club has unveiled what they call the world’s first quantum-entangled mascot. Dubbed “Schrödi the Wolverine,” the mascot reportedly exists in multiple states simultaneously — and, according to university officials, has already defeated both Alabama and Ohio State in alternate dimensions.
The announcement, made at halftime during the annual Maize and Blue Spring Game, was accompanied by a dazzling light show, a fog machine, and an unintelligible speech by a man in a lab coat wearing maize-tinted goggles. Fans expected a new cheer or maybe a mascot costume redesign. What they got instead was a declaration that reality itself had been disrupted — all in favor of Michigan football.
“Schrödi exists in a quantum superposition of victory,” said Go Blue Club president Kyle Markham, a senior engineering major with a minor in performance art. “In one timeline, he stiff-arms Nick Saban into a black hole. In another, he intercepts Ohio State’s game-winning pass and hands it to a corgi in a tiny helmet. In every case, Michigan wins. Always.”
The reveal included a projected hologram of Schrödi phasing in and out of visibility, sometimes roaring, sometimes breakdancing, and at one point engaging in what appeared to be a philosophical debate with a giant animated pretzel. The crowd responded with a mixture of awe, confusion, and unfiltered school spirit.
Quantum physicists from across the country responded with skepticism, confusion, and several emails asking if this was an elaborate April Fools’ joke four weeks too late.
“I don’t even know where to begin,” said Dr. Eliza Tran, a quantum mechanics researcher from Caltech. “This goes against everything we know about the collapse of the wave function. But, to be fair, I did see the mascot high-five a version of himself mid-air. So… I don’t not believe it.”
Meanwhile, the impact on concession stands has been immediate. Since Schrödi’s debut, hot dog sales at Michigan Stadium have spiked by 230%, as fans reportedly feel “chronically hungry in all dimensions at once.” Vendors say it’s the best day they’ve had since the 1997 championship season.
“You think you ate one dog,” said vendor Ronny “Hot Dog Ron” Willis. “But maybe your other you in the alternate dimension also ate one. So now your stomach thinks it’s two. Genius marketing.”
The Go Blue Club insists the mascot is entirely safe and only partially sentient. Plans are underway to test Schrödi’s “dimensional interference” capabilities at the season opener this fall. According to Markham, if all goes well, “Michigan will win, lose, and tie the game simultaneously — until the waveform collapses into a 42-0 victory.”
As for the fans? They’re all in.
“Look,” said sophomore Lily Henderson, sipping a neon blue Quantum Slushie. “I don’t care if it breaks physics. If it means beating Ohio State in any universe, I’m here for it.”